• 'I need your love' is a very common statement ...
• Both in modern
love songs and inside most people's heads.
• But careful now ... because 'I
need your love' is a lie.
• It's a misunderstanding that'll ruin your love
• What you NEED ... is to separate love from needs.
• Get info,
tips, how to do its and other love help here!
Relationship Questions for You
Is there something that you feel you MUST
have, something you really need, and do you think or feel that your
lover/partner is the one who should give it to you? It could be anything,
anything at all ... attention, friendship, intimacy, sex, money, confirmation,
security, love ... or something else.
In other words: Do you entertain
the thought or feeling that your partner/lover must fulfil certain of you
needs/wants? Is this a part of love for you?
If your answer is yes, even
just a tiny, discreet or halting yes, then you have forgotten to distinguish
between love and needs/wants. You are the unhappy owner of one of the most
common love problems in the world today.
When I give a speech or a workshop and make the above
statement, most folks react with first surprise, then disbelief.
say something along the lines of: "But, Soren, of course I feel, think and say,
'I need your love' to my partner. Fulfilling each other's need is a natural part
a love relationship. We scratch each other's backs."
And I say: It is
true that in a love relationship we naturally GIVE. That's not what I'm talking
about here, though. I'm talking about EXPECTING to RECIEVE. 'I need your love'
means 'I expect you to show me lots of love, because I can't live without that'.
Expectations are one of the most common reasons why people end up breaking
Expectations are crap!
On a Slippery Slope
have any expectations of your lover / partner / boyfriend / girlfriend / husband
(Of, if your not in a relationship right now then think about
your previous love relationship. Or, if you haven't yet had a serious love
relationship to somebody, then think about your relationship to your family or
your closest friend - anywhere where there's real love involved).
don't really have to answer that. I already know. You do, right?
instance you expect the other person to behave decently. Right? Or, more than
that: To help you out. Or, even more than that: To see to your needs. Right?
(Hence the sentence: 'I need your love').
Well, it's a slippery slope, my
friend. Now that we know with reasonable certainty that you have relationship
expectations, the next question I'd like to ask you is this:
Do you feel that you have some problems or challenges (big,
minor or just tiny) in your love relationship?
Of course you don't have
to answer that either, because I'm sure you do.
Please note: If you're in
a brand new relationship, or, if you're in love right now, then I'm sure that
everything seem rosy and almost problem-free to you. But you know as well as I
do that you won't be staying in love forever.
When that brief period of
being in love is over and everyday life starts again, then you'll start
wondering where all those small annoyances and big problems came from.
I'll tell you where they came from. Most of them came from your expectations.
(Just consider what's implied in 'I need your love').
Expectations about what? Anything. Anything at all,
but most of all your expectations about getting your needs met by someone else,
particularly your partner. 'I need your love' is a typical example of that.
If by now you're thinking, 'But when I say 'I need your love' I don't expect
my partner to fulfil my needs,' it's not surprising. Many people are completely
unaware of their own expectations in that area. They have subconscious and
completely unconscious expectations, and deep down most of them concern their
But hey, I'm sure it seems to you like what you're expecting
is entirely reasonable.
Your boyfriend should remember to screw the cap
on that toothpaste, right? And learn to put the toilet seat down. And be there
on time. And stop spending all that time with those silly, childish, beer
guzzling friends of his. And start showing you some proper attention. And bring
you flowers or something, just every other month, right? And ...
is true the other way round: Your girlfriend seemed so nice at first, right? Not
the nagging type at all, right? And now she's starting to nag. Or, she's getting
clingy and saying things like 'I need your love'. Or, she's starting to make
demands of you that you can't and won't fulfil. Or she's annoyed by your old
friends and drinking buddies. Or ...
In short: The other person is NOT
LIVING UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS. Those very NORMAL and very REASONABLE
You're Okay AND Your Partner
As a rule there's nothing wrong with you OR your partner. There's
also nothing wrong with love. The only thing there's anything wrong with are
your expectations. 'I need your love' is such an expectation.
someone else to fulfil your needs is a misunderstanding.
needs mixed up with love is a misunderstanding.
In fact those are two BIG
Fix those two misunderstandings and you fix most of
your love problems.
Seriously, I really mean that: If you just learn to
distinguish clearly between love on the one hand and your needs/wants on the
other, and you learn to fulfil your own needs so you can let go of your
relationship expectations, then most of your love problems will vanish like dew
in the morning sun.
I'll just remind you of
a few things to do with love:
Love Reminder no. 1
This is a reminder
of the true connection between 'who feels the love' and your experience of love:
Everything you feel takes place inside you. Thus, the primary love you feel is
the love that YOU FEEL TOWARDS OTHERS. Loving others is what gives you the
experience of love. The love that others feel for you is nice, but not really
that important. (Which means that 'I need your love' is a somewhat nonsensical
Love Reminder no. 2
This is a reminder of the true
connection between love and needs/wants: They are not connected.
needs/wants have nothing to do with each other. You, yourself, are the one and
only person who has to fulfil your needs.
Love Reminder no. 3
here's a reminder of the true connection between your love partner and your
expectations: They are not connected, either.
Your expectations belong to
you. Your partner doesn't. Your partner is NOT supposed to do anything other
than whatever it pleases your partner to do. Your expectations and your partner
have nothing to do with each other.
If you like, you can read more about
needs/wants here [LINK], but here and now I have the following refresher for
A Hierarchy of Needs
As the sentence of 'I need your
love' clearly states, we humans experience countless different needs/wants, big
and small. From the need for having the cap of the toothpaste screwed on, to the
need to feel love, to the need for survival. All of these many needs/wants can
be put into one (or more) of these seven basic categories:THE SEVEN
(i.e. basic human needs):
1) Physical survival, reproduction
2) Security, safety, comfort and predictability
responsibility and freedom
4) Recognition and a feeling of belonging
Giving and contributing
6) Development and making full use of abilities
7) Unity and wholeness (being one’s soul identity; being whole on all levels)
The above seven are actually pretty much a hierarchy of needs, which
means that you're likely to seek to get the first ones fulfilled before you seek
to get the later ones fulfilled. And no 'I need your love' isn't on the list of
A love relationship may very well fulfil one, more or perhaps
even all your needs/wants, but the moment you start EXPECTING, or BELIEVING, or
COUNTING ON your love relationship to fulfil as much as ONE SINGLE need/want for
you ... that is the moment you create a serious problem for yourself.
Your love relationship and your lover/partner is not supposed to, or required
to, fulfil any of your needs/wants. Not a single one. Nor can you expect,
believe or count on him or her to do so. (Bye, bye 'I need your love').
Who's Fulfilling Your Needs?
YOU, and you only, are supposed to
fulfil all of your needs.
Of course you may do this any way you like, and
that includes doing it by means of a love relationship.
thing is not HOW you fulfil your own needs/wants, the important thing is WHO you
feel is fulfilling them.
If you feel that the fulfilment of your needs
ought to be a function of your love relationship, you have got a problem.
If you feel that your lover/partner ought to fulfil your needs (like: 'I
need your love'), you've also got a problem.
In short: If you feel or
think that anything or anyone other that you (and ONLY you) ought to or should
fulfil your needs/wants, you have got a problem.
The Purpose of
Compared to the simple statement of 'I need your love' what I'm
about to say may sound a bit theoretical, but it's important, so please bear
with me:The General Purpose of Relationships ...
... is for you to
relate to other beings and things, life in general and yourself so that you may
experience life in three forms: a) relative reality and relative truth, b)
absolute reality and absolute truth and c) everything in between.
most important parts of those experiences concern a) who and what other people
and things are, b) who and what life itself is and c) who and what YOU are.
(And just in case you're wondering ... in absolute reality you + other
people and things + life itself are all one. It's all a unified whole. This is
not some theory on my part, its experiential truth for me and many other people,
and it can be for you, too).The Purpose of Your Love Relationships ...
... is for you to relate to love.
Your love relationships are a way
for you to feel and express (and thus experience) love. Nothing else. (Thus 'I
need your love' is out of the question).
In other words your love
relationships have one purpose, and one purpose only: Love.
It is that
simple. It is easy to understand. It works. There is nothing to be confused
Simple Relationship Rules
Basically, these are the
simple relationship rules:
Drop your expectations, learn to separate love
from needs/wants, learn to fulfil your needs and get a much better love life.
Keep your expectations and mix needs/wants with love and watch your love
problems grow to epic proportions.
Making a Relationship Work!
A love relationship where the involved parties are solely interested in feeling,
expressing and thus experiencing love is a love relationship that works
A love relationship that is in any other way MAY work (or it
may not work), but it is most likely not a love relationship that works
In other words: 'I need your love' must go. If you want a love
relationship that works in the optimal way then you have got to get your
needs/wants and your expectations untangled from it.
You have got to make
yourself conscious of your needs/wants and take responsibility for fulfilling
them. All of them. By yourself. To a large extent this will automatically
regulate your expectations. You, yourself, will have to discard the rest of
And then you can let your love relationship be that which it is
supposed to be: A way to feel, express and experience love – and nothing else.
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