Building a Strong Relationship through Excellent Communication
One of the most difficult things to do in a relationship is to keep the lines of communication open on both ends.
This is a challenge for those that are just beginning the relationship as well as those that have been in a committed relationship or marriage for a very long time.
There are just some things that are very difficult to talk about and sometimes it just feels like the better choice to swallow the feelings and thoughts and let them float to the back of our minds.
The problem with stuffing them in the back of our thoughts is that eventually they will resurface and the task of putting them behind us once again will be much more difficult.
Even if this process is successful several different times, there will be a boiling point that you can no longer ignore.
When you reach this point you will not only be unsuccessful in hiding your true feelings, you will erupt with a force that would make anyone feel uncomfortable to witness. You will likely say things that you do not mean and you will spin the truth so far from reality that you may not be able to get it back.
It is never good to get yourself to this point.
When you suck those comments and feelings into the back of your mind, your loved one will not have to hear it but you will likely spend hours upon hours thinking it over in your mind.
You will try to rationalize your thoughts and will play out fake conversations in your head in which you actually spoke your mind.
For many people, when they are harboring negative feelings and thoughts, their mental status begins to deteriorate because they are not able to concentrate when they are so upset.
They often find it very difficult to go to sleep when their minds are so full of anger or strife so they begin to feel worse as their bodies cry out for rest, both mentally and physically. When they do finally drift off to sleep, their dreams are often filled with the same issues they have been thinking about throughout the entire day.
This makes for a very poor night of sleep and a morning that is filled with yawns and maybe tears.
Why are we holding back from communication?
With so many terrible side effects of holding back from communication in relationships, why would anyone not want to just get it out in the open and have the discussion when it is brought up?
Well, the answer really depends on how long the couple has been together and what the dynamics are in the relationship.
For example, a couple that has just started to form a close bond may find that they are nervous about making the other person upset. They do not want to ruin what they feel is a good thing so they simply choose to ignore the things that are bothering them the most.
What they need to understand is that the way they communicate in the beginning will help them to develop good communication in relationships throughout the rest of their life.
If there is a problem, say it!
Even married people and other long term devoted people that have been in a relationship for a very long time run into problems with communication in relationships.
The most common cause of this is just the normal day to day life events that spread their time so thin. They must work. They must clean the house and cook the dinner. If they have children, they must care for the kids. They must serve as a chauffeur for their children to sporting events, and so on and so forth. Not to mention keeping in touch with their friends and relatives and helping them out every once in a while, as well as staying fit and practicing whatever kind of hobby or hobbies they themselves have.
Each of these things takes up valuable time and soon it feels as if the people in the relationship are actually just roommates with occasional sexual privileges. There seems to be no time to communicate so they do what they need to and move through their lives day to day without really talking.
The unfortunate thing that often happens in a situation like this is that the children grow up and move on with their lives and the parents are left alone. At this point, so many years of little to no communication in relationships leave them very little to talk about and they have to get to know one another once again, as if they were just starting out in the relationship.
How can we prevent communication problems?
This does not have to be the case though. There are things that can be done to help keep a strong line of communication between couples, no matter how long they have been in the relationship.
First you should know that the idea of open communication in relationships can be very difficult to put in place if both of the people in the relationship are not on board with the plan.
Both parties must understand that they can be open with their opinions and feelings and that they will not be lashed out at for bringing them up. Setting this as a basic rule is worth doing: No interrupting and no lashing out.
Remember, a very important part of communication in relationships involves listening and both people have to agree to allow the other to speak while they listen and try to understand the point that is being made.
When you are able to listen to your partner as they express their feelings and thoughts, you will begin to get a sense of who they really are and how they think and rationalize things.
This will be very helpful to avoid arguments down the road. You will know enough about their thought processes that you can have a good idea of how they will react to different things. You may have to phrase your thoughts in a different way to avoid them being hurt or confused by your comment. When you have a good understanding of how they think then you will be able to find the words that you are looking for.
It is alright to disagree with each other.
Sometimes something will be brought up that you simply do not agree with and that is fine as long as you respect that this is how they are honestly feeling. You do not get to condemn them for feeling this way. You must simply listen and try to understand how they have come to this opinion or belief. You may even find that you change your own opinion once you hear what they have to say about it. If not, then you can present your opinion or belief and maybe the end will be that you both agree to disagree and move forward.
If it is something that you cannot simply agree to disagree on and a decision must be made then you have a number of options. In the simplest of terms you can create the following scenarios:
a) You both lose.
b) One wins, the other loses.
c) Neither of you wins or loses.
d) You both win.
If you want my advice you will need to avoid both a) and b) above. You must avoid that any of you lose, and if at all possible you should avoid the stalemate c) (where neither of you wins or loses) as well. In short, you should always make sure that both of you win more than you lose - even if it is only a little bit.
Now, most people and websites will advise you to seek a compromise ... but in general I do not agree. You know why? Because a compromise is usually characterized by either a), b) or c) above - either a stalemate - or someone loses, maybe even both parties.
That is just not good enough. YOU MUST BOTH WIN!
(If you happen to be one of the growing number of people practicing polyamory [LINK] it is even more important for you)
So - how do you do that?
The most important thing when finding solutions often it is a matter of finding a balance. When you seem to be stuck one possible way of finding a balance in practice is agreeing to do it one way this time and the other way the next time the situation arises.
This works very well when it comes to simple things, like discussions on which restaurant to go to or which movie to see.
When it comes to more important issues, like how to raise the kids, what you need is more likely to be a consensus - which is also a kind of balance.
And when consensus is hard to find, you need a handful of things:
communication, more communication, understanding (as in actually understanding the other person's point of view), letting go and agreement (consensus).
But still you should absolutely make sure that BOTH of you win!
That's what communication in relationships is all about - communicating your way to a point where you both win.
Yes, occasionally you may need to make some small sacrifices for the one you love, but please do not let it become any kind of a habit. And making big sacrifices generally does not work - simply because of the missing balance.
When someone is at the beginning point of a relationship, it is much better to get this open line of communication in place then.
You do not want to find yourself ten to twenty years down the road of your life with regrets about marrying the person that you did.
If you are able to communicate well from the beginning, you will find out if this person is the right one for you before it gets too serious. You will know if they have habits or beliefs that you cannot be accepting of and you can choose to discontinue the relationship at that point. When you stifle the communication in relationships you may find things later that you simply cannot deal with which can leave you in a bad situation.
Having good communication in relationships is also important as we set examples for our children. There are so many children that are raised by a single parent that do not get to see what a healthy relationship looks like. They do not have an example to compare their own relationships to so they are lost in terms of how to make it work.
When a stable couple shows their children how to communicate with a level head then they are helping their children develop good relationship practices that will be very useful to them in the future. They will see that it is fine to disagree and how to go about finding a resolution to any problem by simply talking it out. This is a gift that can be given to your children that does not get passed on too often. If at all possible please make sure it does in your family.
Starting this "communication-in-relationship" thing:
If you are at a point in your relationship where you need to open the lines of communication, consider starting slowly. Not all pieces of information that you share are controversial - there are lots of 'safe' things to share as well.
If you are going to spend the rest of your life with this person then it is good to know about their frustrations and joys. And do remember both the frustrations and the joys - for the sake of balance (again).
I have known several relationships where one partner would incessantly focus on relating all the negative things to their partner, especially about their job - and it just became too much. Not one of those relationships still exist today. Venting is fine, but for the sake of balance you need to relate the good, pleasurable things as well.
If there are no positive things, you really need to find a different way to make a living!
When you're just starting out with this 'communication in relationships thing' you might start off by simply asking your partner how their day was. Ask them if anything interesting or exciting happened. But only ask if you're actually going to listen to and try to relate to their answer. You do need to feel and show some interest in their answers.
If they go into details about their work that you simply do not understand, ask them questions about it until you do understand - maybe not everything but the main outlines.
The same is true for you. You should start up some dialog about your day and what you did at work. Tell them the funny things that happened as well as those that may have made you annoyed or mad.
Remember to get BOTH the frustrations and the joys in there.
This will help them to understand what makes you happy or what makes you angry. Let them ask questions and answer the questions honestly. While this type of conversation may seem to be menial, it is actually a strong starting point that will lead to comfort when you are discussing more serious topics.
The very best advice for communicating with your partner is
never jump to assumptions or conclusions.
Let them speak their thoughts and if you are not sure what they are saying, ask them to clarify it. Stay calm and reasonable. If you feel your emotions begin to rise, simply tell them calmly that you are getting upset and explain it to them from your prospective. They do not have to agree with you but they will know what you are thinking and can offer you answers that may change your frame of mind.
You don't have to work with Cognitive Behavior Therapy in your relationship, but you can use a lot of the therapy to avoid problems.
Take a look at this video. It is about communication with your boss, but could be about communication and assumptions in any relationship:
When you are able to talk to your spouse or partner freely and express your inner most thoughts and desires, they will be by your side always. They will be able to sense when you are upset and will know just what it was that made you angry.
You can spend the rest of your lives laughing and crying, thinking and plotting, disagreeing and making up and your relationship will be one of the strongest that have been found.
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