Thoughts about Age Gap Relationships
This article is written by a very close friend of mine, who has experienced May December relations, and asked me if she could write this page:
"I grow old, I grow old. I shall wear my trousers rolled."
T.S. Eliot
It's hard to know what to think and feel about age gap
relationships. There are so many variables: gender, culture, religion, power,
money, sexuality and, of course, personal preferences.
As a young woman, I always wanted to be older than I was. I felt like I was missing the mark in relationships, and was drawn to older men.
I had a boyfriend twice my age, and he seemed to care more about who I was. He was a generous lover. He taught me about myself, about politics, and racial inequalities. He was confident in who he was; for him there was no hurry or pressure between us. He knew how to savor conversation, laughter and love.
Older men always seem to appreciate me more: my humor, my flirtations, and my womanliness.
When I was a young nurse, it was the older men who would make the advances. Maybe it was the fight against infirmity and mortality, but we nurses joked about the "gropers," and responded with good nature.
Age Difference Couples
But what constitutes an age difference for you? How many years between partners constitute a 'May-December romance'?
In my twenties, 10 years was a good gap.
Now as I approach 60, a twenty-year spread (with me being the youngest!) doesn't seem odd at all.
When I was 30, and lived in France, I remember a conversation with the French language school director. He was dear to me, like a father I never had. Perhaps 25 years older than I, he looked at me, paused and said wistfully "That's all? You see me as your father?" I hadn't considered the possibility of a romantic liaison with a man that much older ... But then, in France, age didn't seem to matter so much.
In West Africa, I learned about my American age bias. I lived in a polygamous society where men had up to four wives. A widow's husband's closest relative was responsible to care for her and any of his relative's children through marriage. The age of either partner was irrelevant and the union provided an umbrella of care.
But my girlfriends would tell me that it wasn't as good as it looked. They felt that their husbands were on the lookout for younger, virgin flesh. The first wife might have a status of power, but the honeymooning was often for the youngest wife. The compound was often rife with jealousies over who cooked the evening meal and thus slept with the husband.
Facing the Stigma
My travels have led me to believe that I am rather sheltered
when it comes to age gap relationships. I am simultaneously
fascinated and repulsed by great age difference couples. "Is
that her father??" "Is that his granddaughter, or what??"
Young men with older women are called "gigolos,"
financially supported for their sexual attentions. Older women
are called "cougars," clubbing to find prey. Old men with
young women are "robbing the cradle," and she is the "gold
digger."
Willow Lawson ("The May-December Couple,"
Psychology Today, 1/1/06,
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200512/the-may-december-couple,
accessed 2/10/11) has observed that age gap relationships
experience the same discrimination as interracial and same-sex
couples. However, the main burden is born by women of all
ages. Lawson notes "women are most likely to bear the brunt of
society's reproach." Men, on the other hand, are affirmed, and
given a subtle pat on the back - whichever end of the age gap
they hold.
But if we put these cultural prejudices
aside, what are some pros and cons in age gap relationships?
(Male to female)
1. Young man with older woman
Pros:
--- She will probably be confident in who she
is and not need affirmation and bolstering of her fragile ego.
--- She will probably understand your needs
--- She
will likely be at a place of greater sexual experience and
relaxation, without fear of pregnancy.
--- You will
probably be safe from the pressure to perform.
--- Her
wisdom and acceptance is likely to give you freedom.
Cons:
--- She may be threatened by the age difference,
and fear younger women as competition.
--- She may want
you to take more of the financial lead.
--- She may
become preoccupied by the need to look young and pursue the
addictive (and rarely very satisfying) course of cosmetic
surgery.
--- You may become restless or lonely,
desiring more age-compatible relationships.
--- What
was restful may become boring; what was exciting may turn to
exhaustion.
2. Old man with younger woman
Pros:
--- She is likely to bring life and enthusiasm to you,
brightening the landscape of your years.
--- She will
probably honor and respect your wisdom and experience.
--- She may renew your passion and youth.
--- You will
have the chance to build another family and to establish a new
legacy.
Cons:
--- She may be perceived as a threat
to your existing family and may cause conflictual
relationships with your children.
--- You may become
over-vigilant, suspecting infidelities.
--- You may
find her fatiguing, and long for the peace of your peers.
(Female to male)
1. Young woman with older man
Pros:
--- He is likely to be confident in himself,
and have reached professional and sexual acceptance.
--- He will probably appreciate all of you and sex can be an
expression of your whole relationship.
--- He can guide
you into sexual fullness.
--- He will provide for you
financially and bring you safety.
Cons:
--- He
may not want children.
--- You may become lonely in the
face of disapproval or disconnection from friends and family.
--- His wisdom may begin to feel parental or controlling,
and what was safe may begin to feel trapping.
--- You
may begin to long for the wildness of youth.
--- He may
become dependent on things like erectile dysfunction drugs and
an ongoing search for hair enhancements.
2. Old
woman with younger man
Pros:
--- He will bring less
relational history or baggage into your relationship.
--- He will delight you sexually and be more compatible to
your sexual drive.
--- You will know how to please him
and be confident in your womanly wisdom.
--- He will
bring you adventure.
--- You will be the envy of
younger women and the interest of other men.
Cons:
--- You may start to feel maternal with him and demand his
personal growth and performance.
--- Your children and
friends may pity you or find you ridiculous.
--- The
early attraction may not survive the test of time and further
aging.
According to Ruth Houston, popular author of
'Is He Cheating on You?' (2002, Lifestyle Publications)
significant age difference couples will all have to face the
threat of infidelity due to growing sex drive disparities
between them (Houston, R. 2002. Is he cheating on you?
Lifestyle Publications).
Recommendations
1. Communication is essential.
Charlotte Martin, relationship expert for Britain's 'The Sun',
stresses that communication is crucial for a successful
relationship ("A Lil' advise on dating older men,"
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/woman/article2089295.ece,
accessed 2/10/11). Communication skills need to be developed
early in the relationship to discuss expectations and changing
needs. Crucial conversations are needed around family planning,
income and finances, power differential, individual and
coupleship use of time and outside activities.
2.
Family and friends should be informed and invited into the
relationship as it develops. You will need to initiate this
and be intentional to fight against disconnection.
3.
Address barriers and prejudices openly and in a non-defensive,
non-threatening way.
4. Discuss and negotiate honestly
sex drive disparities.
5. Be aware of cultural
pressures, but do not allow them to limit the desires of your
heart. Trust the process and enjoy each other's uniqueness.
The Blue People of the Movie 'Avatar'
So many fantasies and longings. So much expectation and disappointment. Such cultural prejudice.
But today I long to see and be seen like a blue person from the movie Avatar. I remember my African friend, 17 years older than I, reciting a poem to me on my 36th birthday. He told me that I was a rose, fresh in my early bloom. I remember that when I look in my mirror, and think that I have become invisible.
May-December relationships, creepy to some, may be warmth, kindness, passion, and vitality to others. What may be "squicky" to one is life and home to another. So bring on all the months of the year, and let's set each other free!
The Personal Development Guy's Self Improvement Ezine (FREE)
Would you like to keep in touch - and get high-level tips and special bonuses? Then please sign up for my self improvement newsletter The Personal Development Guy's Self Improvement Ezine. It is totally FREE.
I LOVE Your Support
If you've found the free personal development content on this website useful, please click the Donate button. Your donation will help me to keep producing free, high-level self improvement information. I am VERY GRATEFUL for your support!
Inspirational Quotes, Poems and Funny Short Stuff
If you want, you can also get your personal development, spirituality and general wisdom in an ultra light version - or even add your own wisdom to the site. Just go to the other sister of this website at:
- World's Best and YOUR Best Quotes, Poems and Short Funny Stuff
Quotescoop.com is also known as:
(http://www.inspirational-quotes-short-funny-stuff.com).
High-Level Positive Parenting Advice and Deep Insights
Positive Parenting Ally is the parenting equivalent of the Personal Development Guy. This is where you go if you want really deepen your understanding of parenting, empower your kids and make everyday life more easy and joyful.
Positive-Parenting-Ally.com
- Parenting advice for the conscious, open-minded parent!
Back to the top of this page about Thoughts about Age Gap Relationships or go to the main page about relations and friendship
Where Would You Like to Go Next?
To see what has been added to this site recently (plus offers, etc.), check out Blog & News at thePersonalDevelopmentGuy.comTo share your own short self improvement ideas, tips, musings, quotes, stories, spiritual jokes, etc. (and read the short ideas, etc. others have shared) jump to Shared Blog: Self Improvement Ideas
Jump to the Personal Development Guy Homepage
