Got a history of unrequited love?
Here's what to DO about your
tendency for one way love!
The ultimate collection of advice on
unrequited, unreturned love!
Empower yourself to break free from your
pattern of unreturned love!
First off, this is the second, 'what-to-do' part of a two part series of self
improvement articles on one way love / unrequited love. So, if you didn't
already read the first one, here's your chance:
One Way Love - the Signs and
Psychology of Unrequited Love.
That personal development article aims to help
you identify the signs of unrequited love - and discusses the basic psychology
of unrequited love. If you have a tendency to feel one way love that article is
a good place to start.
If you are ready to find out what to DO about your
tendency for one way love, read on.
Dealing with unrequited love can be a
challenge. A tendency to feel one way love has roots in some pretty basic things
in human psychology and (as the above mentioned article shows) in its more
powerful aspects it can affect your emotions, thoughts, beliefs and actions -
indeed your entire life experience. Not in a good way, either.
probably experiencing powerful mood swings, where one end of the pendulum is
overwhelming feelings of hurt and rejection. You may even feel embarrassed or
humiliated because you made your feelings obvious and they were not
reciprocated. Or, you may be tirelessly holding onto hope because your heart
tells you that your life will not be complete without this person.
friends tell you that you shouldn't love someone who doesn't return your
feelings and that you should move on. But, the "plenty of fish in the sea"
theory isn't really convincing because you believe that you have already found
your 'soulmate' and you aren't interested in pursuing other options.
some people take longer than others to realize their true feelings. And yes,
being able to hold on without receiving love in return is sometimes the key
factor that keeps a relationship together during difficult times.
love that remains unreciprocated can be excruciatingly painful. Learning to deal
with it is vital to your personal development and your ability to live life to
So, assuming you're ready for a change, what to do?
The Truth about Unrequited Love
First off, you need to
realize the truth about what is going on with you. Let me just
make that very clear:You are sure you are not whole
(but in fact you are) and you believe that someone outside of
yourself will make you whole (which they won't) and finally,
for one or several reasons, you subconsciously want to stay in
your present condition.
So, let's get real. If you were
really honest with yourself, you would have to admit that
loving someone who doesn't love you in return is not an
enjoyable way to live your life. Right? There is no future in
And, even though you may desire the object of
your affection, you don't actually want to be trapped in a
painful situation. Right? Right.
So, for your own
health, happiness, and personal growth, you need to learn to
control your own thoughts, beliefs, feelings and emotions
rather than letting them control you.
The thoughts and
beliefs you entertain affect your emotions, actions, and the
decisions you make. But, only YOU can change the way you think
and the way you view your experiences.
based on free will, but unrequited love robs your freedom and
makes you a 'victim' to someone else's choices. In essence, it dis-empowers you!
By employing certain strategies or
self improvement techniques, you will be able to choose how
you respond to the situation of unrequited love and transform
your negative feelings into positive experiences.
10 Basic Steps to Move Beyond Unrequited Love
follows are 10 basic, practical steps plus an additional 8 steps you
can take that will help you move on. Ready? Here we go ...
Unrequited Love Advice for Moving Past One Way Love - Step no.
Accept the Facts: Your Love Is Unrequited
Acceptance is the first step to moving on.
You must admit that
the other person does not have similar feelings for you. You cannot
move on if you are wasting your time pining away for someone who
will never return your feelings.
You must realize it is time
to cut your losses. Clinging to unfounded hope or convincing
yourself that they will one day change their mind is
counterproductive to your personal development and indeed to your
happiness. Unrequited Love Advice for Moving Past
One Way Love - Step no. 2:
Try to Understand - Both Yourself and
Try this: Examine your life patterns.
Are you constantly desiring someone who is unavailable as a way of
gaining the love and approval you did not receive from your parents?
Have you developed certain defense mechanisms in response to an
Check yourself out. Ask those who
know you best if they se any patterns. Learn. Get wise. Change
begins with YOU, and only YOU can break these destructive patterns
in your life.
Also, there the possibility of understanding
the other (or not). If you are a 'victim' of unrequited love, you
have probably used some form of the phrase, "I just don't understand
why they don't feel the same way or why they can't see that we were
meant to be together." The truth is, romantic interests cannot be
Trying to understand why a person cannot reciprocate
your feelings may make it easier for you to accept the situation and
help you avoid making the same mistake again.
Just keep in
mind that you may never know why, and that's okay too, because you
don't NEED to know what is going on with them. Your challenge
actually rests entirely within yourself. None the less, here are
some possible reasons:
- maybe the other person is
unavailable because they are married or in another committed
- possibly there is a concern about professional
- maybe the other person is afraid of destroying a
- the other person may harbor beliefs that are
incompatible with being with you
- possibly the other person
feels no emotional attraction to you
- perhaps the other person
feels no physical attraction to you
Some reasons may be
obvious while others may be more hidden. Both kinds may be difficult
to accept, but knowing or at least considering the 'why' may help
you move past the situation and deal with your feelings in a
positive, productive manner. Again, just remember: You don't
actually need to know the 'why'. Unrequited Love
Advice for Moving Past One Way Love - Step no. 3:
Get Rid of Your
Discouragement, bitterness, and even anger is
likely a result of your belief that you need someone's love in order
to be happy. You can be happy just by being yourself, just by
existing. You CAN you know! :-)
Neediness, on the other hand,
makes you a perpetual taker
and hinders your ability to be a loving
We're all needy from time to time, but constant
neediness makes a healthy relationship virtually impossible and can
really make you unattractive to others, even those who may
potentially be able to return your love.
And this may come as
a big surprise ... you really don't need your needs.
go of your perceived needs try out a method like Byron Katie's 'The
Work' or my own the
Let Go Metod
. Unrequited Love
Advice for Moving Past One Way Love - Step no. 4:
Mentally and Emotionally Distance Yourself from the Other
This is a very basic piece of advice about unrequited love: Give
yourself some space.
Resist the temptation to contact the
other, talk about the other, or 'arrange' chance meetings.
Allow yourself the time and space to break the connection, feel the
loss, and recover from the loss.
You are not doing yourself
any favors by continually re-opening wounds or revisiting painful
feelings. Unrequited Love Advice for Moving Past One
Way Love - Step no. 5:
Get Involved in Other Activities
Unrequited love often causes you to neglect the other
relationships in your life. You may even become withdrawn or cut
yourself off from social activities. But, it is vitally important
that you find ways to constructively fill your time and surround
yourself with family and friends who will offer understanding and
It sounds trite, but you must get your mind off the
unrequited love, stop dwelling on it, and redirect your energy to
something more effective such as a hobby or newly set goal.
Exercise, take a vacation, plan some outings with friends, or even
start dating again.
After all, you will never meet someone
who will love and accept you if you are not open to other
possibilities of companionship and emotional intimacy.
Unrequited Love Advice for Moving Past One Way Love - Step no.
Keep and Encourage Your Own Sense of Humor
unrequited love is a difficult situation. Yep, it can hurt something
terrible. That, however, is no excuse to lose your sense of humor!
A timeless, shameless classic in the world of movies contains
the catchy refrain: "Always look on the bright side of life!" Even
if you have no idea which movie I am talking about, just consider
staying focused on the lighter side of life.
So, make time
for fun. A lot of time. Force the issue, if you must.
Be a little bit crazy.
Make light of everything.
Watch funny movies. (By the way, the movie referred to above is
Monty Python's 'Life of Brian')
Read Gary Larson's cartoons
(or whatever your favorite funny cartoons may be).
or some other
random funny stuff.
Remember, there really is a lot of truth to the adage, "Laughter
is the best medicine." Unrequited Love Advice for
Moving Past One Way Love - Step no. 7:
Be a Lot More NOW Focused
You cannot move forward if you are constantly looking back
or imagining some rosy future. Your life is now. Right here, right
now. That's a fact. Can you face that fact?
If you feel like a
victim of unrequited love, then being present hurts, I know, but it
is an important step to moving on with your life.
meditation or how to go on inner journeys or how to use a method for
of undesirable feelings, thoughts, etc. - like my own
Let Go Method.
Learn to let go of the anger and bitterness you feel,
as well as any sense of hopelessness or discouragement you may have
about your future. It IS possible, you know.
* Reignite your
other dreams and goals, and reconnect with your passions, values,
Get your focus back on what is really important to you
because they bring you joy here and now.
If your life has
been on hold, you have likely become stagnant and lost sight of
those things that provided inspiration and motivation. In fact, if
you were to be honest, you have probably lost sight of yourself - of
who you are - because you have been so consumed with someone else.
Take a little time for some self-discovery and get reacquainted
Yes, you may think and believe that your life is
meaningless without the object of your desire, but you must
of that belief and take control of your thoughts and beliefs. If you
must imagine a future, then imagine a future without the object of
your one way love. Which leads us to ...
Love Advice for Moving Past One Way Love - Step no. 8:
You do not need anyone to validate you.
Not your parents, nor your co-workers, not your friends and not your
lover, be they current or desired/future.
Your value is not
based on external factors.
Your worth is not dependent on
another. Nor is it dependent on anything. It is built into you.
Self esteem comes from within yourself. You are valuable and
unique no matter what. You always have been and you always will be.
No one can take that away. Ever.
When you start to realize
who you really are
, you also begin realize all that you have to
offer. Which is a lot!
Then you can start living life with a
sense of mission. The mission of being true to yourself and working
toward becoming all you were meant to be! Self realization or self
actualization is for you, too! Unrequited Love
Advice for Moving Past One Way Love - Step no. 9:
Imagine how free it will seem when
you can talk about this person without all those old feelings
resurfacing, when you can detach yourself from the situation and be
able to view it as an opportunity to grow and change. So, here's
what to do:
* Consider alternate possibilities for your
In your mind, project yourself forward six months, a year,
or even five years, and then look back to the present from this
vantage point. Creating new scenarios and exciting possibilities can
give you hope and help you to once again embrace life and all it has
* Start imagining freedom.
How will you feel when
you reach a point of being able to choose whether or not you want to
think about this person when you have control of your thoughts
rather than them controlling you?
Don't underestimate the
power of these small exercises. Your imagination is an extremely
powerful tool. Unrequited Love Advice for Moving
Past One Way Love - Step no. 10:
The personal development journal is a great tool
to help you understand yourself and your life, gain increased
control over your life and make better, more productive choices.
The journal allows you to vent or release emotions and express
thoughts that you wouldn't tell others. It will also help you
monitor your progress and easily identify areas that you would like
If you're interested (and you really should be),
don't miss this exhaustive self improvement article on that
the personal development journal.
Eight Bonus Pieces of Unrequited Love Advice for Moving Beyond One
1. Give Yourself the Gift of Time
You are not
going to 'fall out of love' overnight so be patient and cut yourself
In many cases, you will grieve like someone who
is experiencing the loss of a relationship and only time will heal
the wounds and change your perspective.
At first, you will
have to make a daily decision to control your thoughts and refocus
your energies, but eventually this will become easier.
2. Stay Positive - Even in Spite of Yourself
Unrequited love can
often lead to anger and bitterness, which will make you a very
unhappy person (and not very nice to be with, either). While the one
you desire is continuing to live his or her life, you are mired in
misery and robbing yourself of joy. Not a good idea.
you need to start consciously maintaining a positive attitude.
Remember, you cannot always control the circumstances that you face,
but you are responsible for your responses.
approach will help you create positive experiences from a seemingly
3. Do Not Demean Yourself
because one person does not love you does not mean that you do not
have good qualities or that there is something wrong with you.
List those things you like about yourself and read through the
list daily. If you don't know where to start, ask your family and
Remember, until you can truly appreciate and love
yourself, you will be unable to completely love and appreciate
4. Do Not Blame - Neither Yourself Nor the
Again, try to view unrequited love from a positive
perspective. Don't look at it as a type of betrayal and don't accuse
the person of withholding love. They cannot return feelings that do
not exist, and it is unfair of you to project on them the
shortcomings and inabilities of your parents or previous lovers.
Also, there is nothing wrong with you yourself, either. Remember
5. Rediscover Yourself
As mentioned, it is
easy to become obsessed with the object of your unrequited love and
to idealize or create an unreal fantasy of who they are.
These fantasies will often take over and cause you to try to escape
real life. Or, you may also believe that this person is the answer
to all your dreams and that your needs and future happiness is
dependent on them alone.
If you reach this point, it is time
to rediscover your own
6. Enjoy being single
Recovering from unrequited love is like
going through a breakup
getting over a relationship.
You need to relearn
how to be
on your own.
This does not mean that you do not desire
relationships, because as humans we enjoy connectedness with other
people, but these relationships should not define you. If you are
independent and happy on your own, you will be able to experience
relationships with others on a much deeper level!
Seek healthy relationships based on equality
Find someone who is
your equal, someone who likes you for you (just the way you are
who makes you feel happy and connected rather than miserable and
You may know this person already. Or not, it
Just keep your heart open to the possibility
of finding someone who can reciprocate your feelings and build a
8. Allow yourself to grow
this experience as a opportunity for change and self growth. It may
hurt now, but nothing is a waste of time if you can use what you
have learned to create a better future!
In the words of
author, James Matthew Barrie, "Let no one who loves be called
unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow."
Final Words about Unrequited Love / One Way Love
love. One way love. It is not wrong, you know.
centuries, it has been a popular topic for renowned poets and
playwrights. It is the plot of great romance novels and the theme of
countless movies. However, while an intriguing love triangle may
make for exciting television, it is not much fun to experience in
In fact, you may feel as if you have been drawn
into your own personal nightmare, facing feelings of embarrassment,
rejection, and guilt. You may even find yourself behaving in
unexplained ways that affect your daily life.
But, even in
the midst of this, unrequited love can be used as a self-discovery
tool, a way to recognize what needs to be changed so you can deal
with those things that may be holding you back!
Questions that Make You Think
Ask yourself, "Is this relationship
helping me to become who I was meant to be? Or, is it limiting my
level of empowerment? Will it assist me on my quest for unity and
wholeness, or is it a distraction?"
In order to experience true joy and empowerment, you've got to
understand what's going on and then let go of those things that are
holding you back. You must release them so you can enjoy freedom.
Whether it is your first experience or you are trapped in a
continual cycle, it is time to take back your life! You are an
amazing and unique person and you deserve to be in
that is based on growth, unity, and true mutual love.
is never lost. If not reciprocated it will flow back and soften and
purify the heart."
~ Washington Irving
If you are or
have been a 'victim' of unrequited love, don't live your life in
bitterness and anger. Decide to let it go,
learn how to let it go,
and embrace the possibilities of a better future. Let your
experiences soften and purify your heart so that you are ready to
both give and receive love.
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